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January 26, 2013
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There is a reason
behind the eyes that stare
Behind those eyes who- when asked-
Are kind

They fill with warmth
When greeted -so familiarly-
With that which is so Cold
Cold and Unforgiving

Yet even so that sun-
Now so far away
Warms the very ground
On which we walk today.
We were doing Emily Dickinson poems in school, wanted to try something similar to her style, came up with this!
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:iconprettyflour:
prettyflour Featured By Owner Feb 19, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Hey there!

Prettyflour here on behalf of :iconpoeticalcondition: with the critique you requested.

You know...I'm no expert on Emily Dickinson but I've read enough of her work to recognize the style. You did a nice job trying to do something similar.

What I love the most about this is the way you paused (-when asked- and -so familiarly-) in stanza one and two. It brought a cool cadence to the poem.

The length works well for me. I dig short poems. I think it's both fun and challenging to tell a story with just a few words. Overall, an enjoyable read, I truly have no constructive criticism to offer...

I hope this was helpful. Thanks and have a great day!
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:iconsirrantsalot:
SirRantsALot Featured By Owner Feb 19, 2013  Student Writer
Wow, thank you! It was very helpful :3
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:iconthelunardragon:
TheLunarDragon Featured By Owner Feb 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This Critique is on behalf of :iconpoeticalcondition:

You emulated Emily Dickinson quite nicely with this piece.
However, you seem to be mixing Free Verse and Fixed Form into the same poem, not a complaint of course, just a bit unusual.

When it comes to length I have to disagree with my colleague Michel, I think the briefness of this poem was exactly what it needed. If you made it longer it probably would have become too watered down. So well done!
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:iconsirrantsalot:
SirRantsALot Featured By Owner Feb 15, 2013  Student Writer
Thank You! ^-^
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:iconthelunardragon:
TheLunarDragon Featured By Owner Feb 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Youre quite welcome!
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:icontwilightpoetess:
TwilightPoetess Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Hello! I will be critiquing this for :iconpoeticalcondition:. Please keep in mind that these are merely my personal opinions. Any changes made to this piece, if you make them at all, should be what you want to do, as this is your artwork. I am only lending you a few suggestions.

First and foremost, nice work emulating the words and tone of Emily Dickinson! She's a hard poet to emulate, but you did a good job of it here. There is a natural brevity to the words that really lends a beautiful flow to this, so well done!

I'm wondering, however, about the rhyme in the last stanza. You didn't employ a rhyming technique in the first two, so that third stanza seems a bit out of place to me, as if it doesn't quite belong in this piece. I feel it would suit the mood of this piece to work the words in a way that doesn't end in a rhyme; it would keep the flow natural while retaining a bit of that ambiguous, mysterious feeling this piece sparks during a read.

I do like that there could be multiple ways to interpret the overall message/subjects of this--you might be talking about actual eyes, OR about the sun and the moon/stars. The ideas of cold and warm could be metaphors for day and night, you see? So that's lovely!

Also, I'm not sure it suits this piece for you to capitalize those words in the second stanza--while I know Emily Dickinson often capitalized words in her poems, I don't think that the capitalization here puts the right emphasis on the message in the end--it just seems a bit superfluous to me, I guess.

Nice work over all, though! I really enjoyed this read.
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:iconsirrantsalot:
SirRantsALot Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2013  Student Writer
I must admit, when I first saw your comment I was a bit scared! But thank you very much for your critique, the only thing I'd like to say is that the capitalization in the second stanza was intended for the personification of "cold" and "unforgiving" because in... I think "Exhilaration is a Breeze" Emily does something similar. Urg, it might be "Because I could Not Stop for Death." but I can't recall ^-^"
Thank you again for the kind words and taking the time to read my poem! <3
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:icontwilightpoetess:
TwilightPoetess Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome! :heart:
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:iconmichel-le-fou:
Michel-le-fou Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013  Professional Writer
The poem is rather short and could develop but the style ad the sentiment are great, and I like your manner of expression despite. The stylistics or poetical attributes such as the lack of rhyme or meter categorizing free verse is evident here. Well-done.
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:iconsirrantsalot:
SirRantsALot Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you, very much!
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