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Submitted on
February 17, 2013
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Let Me Tell You A Story


A little girl once walked though the world,
and the world let her keep her head up high.

Soon she found out that if she bent her head only a little,
the world would let her skip.

She skipped and skipped until one day she discovered that when she fell,
bending it down just a slight bit lower eased the pain.

Pressure built as she traveled through her years,
until she discovered by bending just a little bit lower, the pressure was easier to handle.

Every time something became too much she would bend just a little lower,
the change not because she was beat down, but because she succumbed.

Now she falls down into a sweeping bow, shoulders drooped, eyes lowered, head fixed on the floor,
when the world decides to let her look up again.

The air allows for her to rise the same amount she fell when she was young,
before the last gust knocks her to her knees.

No other time before now has she known what a mistake the first fall was,
but no other time before now did she appreciate the laughter as one skips.
Feeling kinda down.
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:iconprettyflour:
prettyflour Featured By Owner Mar 6, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Hey there,

Prettyflour here on behalf of :iconpoeticalcondition: with the critique you requested.

SirRantsALot! I really loved the message of the story- clear and concise as far as I'm concerned.

I do have a few things that I want to mention.
This line: bending it down just a slight bit lower eased the pain.
The use of the word 'it' throws me off... I wish you had said what 'it' is.

Now, you use the word 'lower' in that line and in several lines later on as well. The repitition works but I think you could have made it even better with the use of italics to change it up a bit.

But really? I very much enjoyed this! Thank you so much for sharing your words with us! :)
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:iconsirrantsalot:
SirRantsALot Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2013  Student Writer
This might sound a little silly, but how do you do italics on here? ^-^" Thank you very much for your kind words! :D <3
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:iconprettyflour:
prettyflour Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Italics? Definitely not a silly question! I had to ask someone too. :)

You want to use a html code. For example, if you want to italicize the word 'rant' you would would do this (minus the spaces) < i > rant < / i >

rant

You can bold by using a b instead of an i. < b > rant < / b > (minus the spaces)

rant

Some other cool ones that I just learned are subscript and superscript.

subscript: SirRantsALot Rocks!

Done with: < sub > Rocks < / sub > (minus the spaces)

superscript: Prettyflour Rocks too!

Done with < sup > Rocks too! < / sup > (minus the spaces)

:)
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:iconsirrantsalot:
SirRantsALot Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2013  Student Writer
:O Woah! Thanks, this is awesome!
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:iconprettyflour:
prettyflour Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Glad to share my knowledge!
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:iconthelunardragon:
TheLunarDragon Featured By Owner Feb 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This Critique is on behalf of :iconpoeticalcondition:

This was a very good story, but the issue is that it is exactly that... a story. It is written in the form of a poem, but beyond that it doesn't really have any of the key elements that a poem has. This is more a short fiction story than a piece of poetry and though it is great... I think you are looking at it differently than I do. All that seems to be missing is "Once upon a time"

I absolutely commend the effort, but I feel as though I cannot critique this as a poem. As a short story however, it is written quite well, and something I see being read to children. I will still rate this piece a solid 4/5... but as a piece of short fiction.
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:iconsirrantsalot:
SirRantsALot Featured By Owner Feb 18, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you so much, a 4/5 on a short story means a lot :3 I was kind of hoping for it to sound more as a poem that it did, but without any fixed forms that identify it as a poem it does sound more of a short story, thank you for bringing that to my attention! ^-^
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:iconmizztolly:
MIZZTOLLY Featured By Owner Feb 18, 2013  Student General Artist
you do this so amazingly, translating feelings into words and stories. you turn it into amplify them 100x so we can all hear truth. you will go on to be an amazing author or poet i assure you.
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:iconsirrantsalot:
SirRantsALot Featured By Owner Feb 18, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you so so so very much, it means an incredible amount to hear that! <3 :D <3 Thank you.
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:iconmizztolly:
MIZZTOLLY Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2013  Student General Artist
no problem happy to be able to say it :w00t:
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