literature

Hot Tea

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SirRantsALot's avatar
By
Published:
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Literature Text

Hot tea, blue steam,
and warm smiles fill the room.
I sit and wait perpetually.

My life stills and the room fills;
a song paused mid tune,
Hot tea, and blue steam.

My companions are my mug and your pills
I know you have to be back soon,
I sit and wait perpetually.

The haze swirls and mills
forming a bright moon
hot tea, blue steam.

Pictures blur as my mind drills
further into a possibility that croons
I sit and wait perpetually.

The door opens, my cup spills,
cares are strewn,
hot tea, blue steam,
I sit and wait perpetually.
A villanelle also written for CW! This I like a lot more.
© 2013 - 2024 SirRantsALot
Comments8
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Chezzy-Am's avatar
:iconpoeticalcondition: critique

Congrats on exploring the villanelle format. Your syllable count's off though :(

Also, you're rhyme in the first stanza's second line is not coherent with the rest of the poem (which is decently maintained).

I like the concept you've used here, and overall I do like how the poem progresses (I love tea :dummy:) but you'll need to visit the syllable count on this one.

taking the first stanza

Hot tea, blue steam, (four syllables: hot, tea, blue, steam)
and warm smiles fill the room. (six syllables: and, warm, smiles, fill, the, room)
I sit and wait perpetually. (eight syllables: I, sit, and, wait, per, pe, tual, ly)

Room does not rhyme with moon, soon, croon, tune and strewn. It may be considered a near rhyme, but that's not good.

Traditional fixed forms are very particular about syllable counts and rhymes. In the villanelle you don't need to worry about meter, but you should make sure that your syllable count is maintained.

Here, the best tool that you can use is www.syllablecount.com/ for syllable count. Use Rhymezone and Rhymer to find some more rhymes with the moon/soon/croon words, which would require you to change the line if need be.

Overall, a good poem that can be salvaged. Hoping that you'll make the improvements needed.